


To Confess, or Not to Confess

by RoyalCanary



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 00:58:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalCanary/pseuds/RoyalCanary
Summary: Iwaizumi realizes he's in love with Oikawa. But will he be able to confess?





	To Confess, or Not to Confess

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doubletan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubletan/gifts).



> LOTS OF HEAVY EDITING, like an obese amount, FROM MY FRIEND CHURIA.  
> I'm sorry this is so late, it was my first fic ever and I wanted it to be good!
> 
> I really hope you enjoy it~ 
> 
> Theme: Character death + Confession

“We’ll be partners for life, right Iwa-chan?”

Since we were young, Oikawa had always had a tendency to ask sudden questions out of the blue, he was random like that. But the strain in his voice and a dark expression, I could tell something was definitely off.

“Idiot, what are you talking about? Of course we will. Someone’s got to take care of you. You wouldn’t be able to live a week without me.” I joked with a smile.

That was a lie. Oikawa was strong even if the boy himself didn’t think so. But if he needed someone to talk to, or someone to help him through tough times, then it would naturally be my responsibility, as his closest (only) childhood friend. The thought of being there for my friend and spending the rest of our lives together was always a calming feeling for me. Maybe it’s because we’ve always been “attached at the hip”, as our mothers would always tease, since we were toddlers.

_Huh…I guess I couldn’t even imagine what life would be like without this guy…_

“Iwa-chan taking care of me? What are you, my mom?”

“Hmph! I take that back. Have a nice life alone.”

I had (half) jokingly chased the cackling idiot down the street, trying to get in a few playful punches.

That was a month ago just before we had our last volleyball match of middle school. And then, in the blink of an eye, we graduated. It wasn’t until we entered AobaJousai that I started really thinking about our relationship. Along with the new uniforms, Oikawa experienced other changes in his appearance. Specifically, it was his height and facial structure. He grew taller, lankier, and without a doubt, more handsome (not like I’d ever say that in front of him). He instantly became popular amongst the first year girls and even the upper years.

“You have looks, athleticism, and smarts! What the hell man, isn’t that a little unfair? What don’t you have?” a fellow first year member of the volleyball team, Hanamaki Takahiro, or as we call him, Makki, exclaimed, carelessly spraying bits of rice everywhere.

“A decent personality.” Matsukawa, another teammate quipped immediately, not even looking up to meet Makki’s high five.

Oikawa squawked in protest and turned to me for support, saying he was being bullied. He had a pout that he always made that honestly, was adorable. Not that he would ever hear me admitting that…

  
I didn’t know how to react when he suddenly told me he got a girlfriend. I was happy for him, of course, but I felt a strange twinge. At the time, I couldn’t tell what it was, so I just let it go.

“Iwa-chan, you should get yourself a girlfriend too, we can double-date!” he served me the ball.

“Too much practice.” I panted out. “Hup!” I spiked.

“Heeh,..” He looked at me with one of those shitty grins, “You seem to have enough time to meet me though.” He was teasing me. He wasn’t wrong.

“Fine. Fuck off Bakakawa.”

“I’m joking, I’m joking!” He almost sounded panicked, like this would make me stop seeing him.

“Yeah, yeah, Bakakawa. Go spend some time with that girlfriend of yours.”

“Of course!” He looked affronted, “I, the perfect prince, being a bad boyfriend? Ha!” His shitty grin came back and I felt that twinge.

He said that, but between school and the extra practices on top of our regular club activities, it seemed I was seeing him more than I wasn’t. So naturally the idiot ended up breaking up with his girlfriend after a month of dating.

“We didn’t really match that well.” And he shrugged it off.

I felt a little bad for the girl, having had to date this frivolous idiot.

In second year, Oikawa had another break down. As fickle and frivolous as he was, Oikawa Tooru would make up for that in passion when he found something he liked. But that was also his problem. He had a bad knee, and all his extra training led to injury, just before our match against Shiratorizawa. It was so close, the nationals were right at our fingertips, but we weren’t close enough.

We were walking home together after the defeat. “You alright?” I looked up at him cautiously. His expression was dark.

“Hmm?” His face transformed into a strained smile. “Yeah don’t worry about it Iwa-chan, just reviewing the game in my head.” He barked a hollow laugh and ruffled my hair. Today, I decided to let him.

“Ah! But I have something waiting for me at home!” I grinned up at him.

He looked puzzled for a moment before his face drained of colour “Don’t tell me, a wife?!” I smacked him upside the head and he ran past me cackling. I chased after him and jumped on him from behind, grabbing him in a headlock and ruffled his hair. He laughed and I was elated.

“Mom’s making hamburg steak for dinner!”

“Eeehhhh? Auntie’s famous hamburg!” His eyes widened and my chested squeezed.

“You’re coming over too idiot. Mom knows to make enough for the both of us.”

“Oh a surprise hamburg steak! And it’s your mom’s?? What’s the occasion Iwa-chan?”

“It’s just dinner, idiot.” I grumbled. “Plus, I got a new game.”

“Well we don’t have school or practice tomorrow…and I get to be with Iwa-chan a little longer…so I guess it’s a resounding yes!” His smile was natural. At least I could cheer him up for now.

“We’re home.” I called out.

“Ah good! Dinner’s almost ready! Is Tooru-chan here?”

“Hi auntie! I heard we’re having hamburg!”

“Tooru-chan!” her head popped out from behind the kitchen doorway. “You guys are filthy! Wash up and get changed!”

“Yes mom/auntie” we called in unison as we walked upstairs to my room. We always had unplanned sleepovers, so we had a routine. After coming home, and a little catching up between my mom and Oikawa, we’d head up to my room. I would shower first and come back to prep his futon for that night, while the resident pretty boy would take his sweet ass time in the bathroom. I even had his usual, ridiculously expensive products in the bathroom cabinet.

“You wanna start up the game while I wash?”

“Wow, Iwa-chan is the best.” He seemed to sparkle.

It was a simple RPG about a knight in training. It seemed fun enough.

I left him to play while I washed up and changed and came back to him in the middle of what seemed to be a boss battle. I sat back on my bed and watched him lose twice before I got immersed in my phone. I heard him grunt in frustration after a fourth time losing the battle and a sniffle.

  
_A sniffle?_

“Oikawa?” He looked up at me with tears running down his face and snot dribbling like an idiot.

I jumped down and grabbed his face before he could look away. “Oi, Tooru…” His eyes welled up with more tears. I started to panic, and softened my grip on him. “Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Does it hurt anywhere? Is it your knee?”

“Ha-Hajime…” he choked out. I brushed his tears away with my thumbs. “No matter how much hard work I put into this guy, the character can’t beat this stupid boss. Why can’t I beat him…damn it….” He started to hiccup, like he always does when he cries.

This reminded me of that time in middle school. If only he could see what I saw. How much he grew. How much I respected him. I pulled him into a hug. I had to pull him out of this.

“Hey, hey…” I stroked his head and let him cry into my shoulder. I had to find a way…there had to be something…I looked at the game scornfully before it hit me.

“Hey Tooru, this is multiplayer, right?”

He hiccupped into my shoulder in silence.

“We’ll make a team! It’s ok if you can’t beat the boss on your own! The knight needs friends to rely on and who can rely on him!”

He looked up at me and his eyes widened, “Ahh!” He seemed to make an epiphany or something.

We went back to the game and added a new character. My knight looked shabby next to his, and what was up with his title?? Grand Knight? While mine was called Nameless Novice? And his armour was so much nicer, what the hell?

“Oi…how far did you get on this game?” He looked at me mischievously. I punched him lightly in the arm while Nameless Novice trained. “Go wash. You stink.”

“Ehh, isn’t that a little harsh to a guy who was just crying?” He shrank away in anticipation of another playful punch but I stroked his head.

“Dinner’s almost ready.” I looked at him and he looked stunned. I felt my ears go red so I threw my towel at him. “Hurry up and wash up.”

As he showered, I trained my knight vigorously to catch up to Oikawa. By the time he was out and dinner was ready, I went up to Sterling Knight.  
“Ahhh, as expected of Auntie’s hamburg steak! That hit the spot.” He laid back on my bed while I set up his futon. He let out an obnoxious yawn. If only all those girls could see him now…He’s too cute sometimes. I chuckled to myself as I continued to set up the futon.

_Dammit I forgot the blanket._

I went to our linen closet and made my way back with my arms full. Unable to see past the mountain of blanket, I carefully felt my way back to my room and once I toed my way to the futon on the floor, I threw the blanket on the floor in triumph.

“Oikawa, your futon’s ready.” I panted out.

…................I looked up and found him fast asleep.

It can’t be helped. I tucked him into my bed and turned off the lights.

I settled into the futon I had set up and stared up at the dark ceiling, unable to sleep. What was it that was bothering me so much? The image of Oikawa’s face, with tears streaming down his face and snot dribbling, with his face scrunched up and ugly, popped into my mind. My heart stung and I wanted to reach out and…

_Kiss him._

My eyes widened in horror but my heart was racing.

_I’m in love with Oikawa Tooru._

_I, Iwaizumi Hajime, love my best friend Oikawa Tooru._

I knew it all along though, didn’t I?

I knew it in second year of middle school when he first broke down. I had vowed to carry him with me to the end. I knew it when I was jealous for the wrong reasons, every time he got confessed to. It was only confirmed when he got a girlfriend.

It was spring of our second year of high school when the true battle began.

They say teenage boys are at the height of sexual desire. And they were too right. Ever since that realization I couldn’t look at Oikawa for too long without my mind drifting off into forbidden territory. As much as I tried to control these desires, my mind would always win in the end anyways when I was asleep, unable to stop the dreams. Dreams that I would never mention to him. I had to wash my underwear a whole lot more in the mornings.

“A-ahh! You’re so big Iwa-chan.” He moaned wantonly as he shamelessly rode me. I grabbed his waist and woke up in a cold sweat, my hands clenching my blanket.

We became third years and I saw Oikawa just as much. I tried to act naturally but with my dreams that were only getting crazier, and his maddening affection, I started to want more. I wondered if maybe, just maybe, my love could be requited.

When we lost to Karasuno and their genius setter Kageyama, I couldn’t help but regret my lack of strength. I couldn’t keep the ball from falling, I couldn’t spike the last set with all I had, and most importantly, I couldn’t go to nationals with Oikawa. My sweat started to mingle with bitter tears.

_Ace? Don’t joke._

As that thought ran through my head, a smack on the back brought me back to reality. I looked up to see Oikawa’s sweaty face as he grinned at me assuredly. “You worked hard, ace.”

My vision was blurred by more tears and it was his turn to comfort me. I wrapped my arms around him and the rest of our team jumped in and crushed Oikawa.

Our volleyball career at AobaJousai had ended, and now we had another battle to face in our third year - the dreaded exams. We studied together as usual and once again, I was thankful that he could help me on any questions that I got stuck on. But as thankful as I was, I thought to myself, _‘What doesn’t this guy have? Isn’t this a little unfair?’_

“Iwa-chan, don’t scowl so much or your face is going to be permanently stuck!”

He dodged my eraser fling, and stuck his tongue out at me teasingly.

“You…” I reached out and put him in a chokehold, and he reached up to ruffle my hair, laughing gleefully.

“Ah young love, isn’t it beautiful Makki?”

The red head just looked at the two with mock disgust. “Guys, stop flirting. I need to focus but you’re just reminding me that I’m single and it’s pissing me off.”

“We’re not flirting!” I heard another voice on top of mine saying that and looked at Oikawa. My heart started to race.

_I’m imagining things right? It’s just a coincidence._

Oikawa was blushing.

His blushing face wouldn’t leave my mind. After exams had finally come to an end, I had already made my decision. I was going to confess. I had to. We were going to different universities after this.

We were in my room when I finally gathered enough courage.

“Hey, Oikawa…”

He looked at me in expectation and I froze. I stared at his beautiful brown eyes, and his disgustingly long eyelashes and suddenly was overcome with fear.

_What if he hates me?_

Not surprisingly, Oikawa got into his first choice with a full scholarship, a university in Hokkaido known for their athletics programs. I was beaming with pride. He deserved no less with the amount of love and work he put into volleyball. Meanwhile, I decided to stay in Miyagi.

“Iwa-chan, will you come with me to the airport tomorrow? My parents are going to help me pack in the morning but I don’t want to stop them from going to work later.”

“Yeah, of course. Are Takeru and your sis going to come too?”

“Nah, I already went out for dinner with them yesterday and I don’t want to bother them too much, plus I’ll be back in a few weeks! And! I’ll have Iwa-chan all to myself tomorrow~” That silly smirk on his pretty face pissed me off, because it made me blush, and I wanted to kiss it off him so badly.

The next day came, and I had my confession planned out perfectly. My heart was beating so fast, I thought it was going to burst.

_I have to do it this time._

The weather was cloudy but warm, and I looked up at the grey sky in search of courage. We took longer than expected packing everything into the taxi and by the time we got to the airport, it was packed with travellers.

“Fuuck I’m going to miss my flight!” He looked tired and frazzled as he looked at me desperately. “Iwa-chaaaaan.”

“We’re heading there now, don’t worry too much.”

We eventually found his terminal, and I handed him all his carry on bags.  
 _It was now or never._

“Oikawa, I- I have something to tell you…”

“Hmm? What is it? Did I forget something? I definitely feel like I forgot something…”

“Probably not, you packed your whole room, but Oikawa there’s som-“

“Ah! I think I left the my lucky E.T. plush on the staircase”

“No, I packed that for you too, but lis-“

“How about my toothbrush, or my moisturizer, that isn’t a brand you can find anywhere!”

He frantically listed all of the things that he could have forgotten, that he just could not live without.

“Passengers please begin boarding the plane.”

“Ah! I have to board now Iwa-chan. I knew we were going to be late. I wanted to have a teary heartfelt goodbye and everything! Dammit…oh right! What is it that you wanted to say?”

“I…” I sighed. My confession could wait. “Idiot, you’re going to miss your flight.” I smiled and patted his shoulder.

_Next month…he’d be coming back in a month. That’s when it’ll happen._

Oikawa’s expression softened up and in a quieter, calmer voice, he asked “Is it important?”

“W-what?”

“What you were really going to say.”

“Y-yeah…yeah it is. But it’s gonna have to wait. I promise. I’ll tell you when you come back.”

I may be wrong, but I think he had an idea what I would be saying. It gave me hope, but I couldn’t make him leave like that. It’d wait.

After a pause he broke into a fond smile, “Okay, but don’t forget to tell me, promise?”

“Yeah, I promise.”  
And with that, he waved a goodbye and left me staring at his retreating back.

………..  
**April 15th flight to Hokkaido ends in tragedy. Airplane carrying 300 passengers explodes. No survivors. Experts are baffled, but looking for answers.**  
……….

 

I had read that title over and over again, but nothing was registering. Everything felt cold, like all heat in my body left me for dead. It was hard to breathe and everything sounded muffled. What do you mean no survivors?! This isn’t fucking funny!

“Hajime, please, say something…” his mom broke down beside me.

But even if she had asked me to say something, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to feel, what to think. Nothing made sense anymore.

The funeral flashed by, with large typhoons expected to hit the area soon. Everyone he knew, including all of our friends from AobaJousai came. They tried their best to comfort me, but it was all like a dream. I couldn’t make sense of what my eyes were seeing, what my ears were hearing, what my skin was feeling. When the rain started falling, everyone started to leave the wake. But I couldn’t move. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t real. I wasn’t going to say goodbye like this. It felt worse than losing all my limbs at once. So I promised my mom that I would see her at home, told her to go on ahead - that I wanted some alone time with Oikawa.

And alone I was. So starkly alone. He was supposed to be here beside me. To comfort me. I was supposed to tell him I loved him. More than anything.

Then I started to remember every stupid little detail of our time together since we were young, sat in front of the memorial shrine of my childhood best friend, and love of my life.

“Oikawa…h-hey. Tooru…” Damn, saying his name wasn’t supposed to hurt like this. Tears were flowing nonstop down my face, onto my lap. I shoulders heaved and I bowed in front of his picture. He was smiling.

“Tooru!!” sobs wracked my body and I shook and a crack of thunder was there to match my scream. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this! You were supposed to come back! I was supposed to confess to you! I was supposed to love you!”

I pounded my fists on the floor trying to get a grip.

 

 _Tooru, Tooru, Tooru._ Those were my only thoughts. _Why couldn’t I just say it?! Why did his plane have to explode, of all things?!!_ “Why did you have to die?!!!” my throat was hoarse.

“Why didn’t I die with you at least…it would have been better that way.” I sat there motionless as the typhoon raged on outside. I don’t know how much time passed before I felt small hands around my arms, picking me up from the floor.

_His mom…_

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her, heaving into her small frame.

_I’ll take care of her for you. I’ll make you proud so that when we meet again, I can face_ _you without shame._

Because you’re my partner and I’m yours. You often asked me, “We’ll be partners for life, right Iwa-chan?” But you were wrong. Don’t joke around. Like hell! I’m not ending this just with life. Our love goes beyond that.

I’ll see you on the other side.

**Author's Note:**

> An exploding plane?! Experts are baffled. WELL SO AM I! AND I'M DEAD! IWA-CHAN! When we meet again much MUUUCH later, tell me if they ever find out why my plane FUCKING EXPLODED. - Oikawa Tooru
> 
>  
> 
> Aka I couldn't think of a normal way for him to die <(_ _)>


End file.
